Sunday, January 24, 2010

Horse Pisser

Recently I learned about a woman who goes by the Title "Horse Pisser." No one knows what she looks like. They only know the effect that she has in the Bathroom. The victims come back from ground zero with Horrifying tales. "I could see her heels digging into the slippery tile trying to gain purchase." One female said. Another could not believe how loud it got. "I had to get out of there! The reverberation from the stream was more than I could handle." As a practical joke my sister duplicated it by emptying a liter of water about 4.5-5 feet above the toilet.

This got me thinking about bathroom etiquette. Socially speaking of course. That was when my research began.

On one of my breaks I walked to the break room, sliced an apple and filled my coffee cup with coffee and placed the cut up apple on a paper plate. I then placed the plate of apple on top of the mug and secured it with my thumb. Now I have two items in one handing leaving the other hand free. I thought how perfect and efficient it would be to stop by the bathroom to finish my routine before I head back to my desk. Everything went perfect. I made it back to my work station without losing any fruit or coffee.
Back at my desk my supervisor mentioned that she knew where the apples had been and did not approve. I then offered her a "bathroom apple." She thanked me and then declined my offer and said, "I will not partake in your bathroom coffee either."

Last week I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom at work while a co-worker was using a urinal. I slowly crept up from behind and started brushing louder. He never looked back. Later I asked him why. He said that he was hoping that it would just go away. I wonder if there is a rule against eye contact or oral hygiene. Publicly speaking of course.

A few days later a different co-worker followed me to the urinals. I turned and asked him what he thought of bringing food into the bathroom. I didn't think it was that funny of a question but he laughed nervously, didn't want to make eye contact and said that he didn't see a problem with it and that plenty of people do it all the time.

It seems that everyone has their own opinion so I googled it and found a Youtube video about Bathroom Etiquette. It is more accurate than funny but still funny because it's pretty true. The end sequence is over the top but the first 5 minutes are okay.

Bathroom Etiquette

I continued my search on the subject of bathroom etiquette and found this interesting article on these space age toilets in downtown Seattle. The article takes about 5 minutes to read.

Kindest Regards,

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Motel 6 Adventures

Wednesday August 26, 2009
...was a day that I recalled that my human communications had been reduced to costumer interactions. So what happened later was a hidden delight. Let's start at the beginning of the day. I left the Motel 6 in Billings, Montana at 6:3oam. Finishing my first job by 7:3o and was on the road and hoping to trade the Mountain time zone in for Pacific. It was going to be a long day but not impossible even with the possibility of a few Wasps battles. I made it to Coeur d' Alane by 11:oopm.
A lot of driving and visual beauty was broken up with a few roadside statements made by the higher ups from Montana Management. If you have not been to Montana in recent years you have missed out on the Montana Meth Project campaign. The founder of this project is Tom Siebel. This is either an example of a problem solver being "In The Zone" and at his creative peak or this could be a situation where good intentions with too much money and time meets poor judgment and lack of tact.
Here are two examples of his attempts to educate people on the directions your life will take if you decide to invite Meth into your life. These examples could be considered scare tactics unless you find them to be a fresh start to a
dull existence. Side note...statistics have been showing that certain individuals are in fact looking for this lifestyle but just didn't know how to achieve it. Tom Siebel the problem solver has decided to help and answer a few questions that may have been asked and using Billboards to deliver such answers. Here are the questions that have been asked and their billboard answers:
How and where should I loose my Virginity?

Now that I lost my Virginity I need $15 bucks and I want it in an abnormal way. How should I go about getting said moneys?

Now I'm intrigued by this Siebel character. So I checked this him out on Wikisituation and found this statement under the philanthropy section of the article.

The Siebel Foundation (founded 1996) is active in support of the homeless and underprivileged..."

I wish I could say that he is in support of helping the homeless become the home full and the underprivileged become the privileged. It just isn't clear what his intentions are. Is it to help individuals maintain current living conditions?
That's what I'm assuming. After all I did just witness an example of his logic on the side of the freeways.

Side not. A friend of mine read the the bathroom billboard differently. This is how it read..."No one thinks they'll lose their virginity here. Men will change that." I can't even imagine what actions Tom Siebel will taking to further the "MEN" problem we are faced with today.

Okay okay now for something completely different. Picture this I pull up to a Motel 6 in Coeur d' Alane and head toward the office. A beastly dude is walking toward me with a 5 gallon trash can. Eyes blood shot and bulging like he had been hanging like a bat with gravity pulling most of his bodily fluids to his head making his eye balls sacks of blood. Only wearing shorts. Big belly flopping around proudly. Looking ship wrecked. Waddling. We skip the greetings and I simply notice his trash can and that he is in the vicinity of the ice machines. Not unlike in the scene from Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd is leaving 7 Eleven and says, "Hey guys. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later." I say to Mr. Blood Sax, "Get'n some Ice?" He says in a low rumbled reply, "lkjdf;lkja l;kjdflkjfd l;kjdfl;kjad l;kjdfl;kjadfoiuoiur..." I smile and say, "Yeah. Me too." I walk into the office to claim my reservations while Mr. Ship Wreck claims the remainder of Motel 6's ice reserves. I may be the only one standing in line that found this to be humorous. Every load of ice that fell into the trash can consumed the air ways making it difficult to respond to the Motel 6 attendant's requests.
Shortly after he left he was back looking for more ice. As he walked past the office window his blood sacks made contact with my clear whites. He communicated to me with a single middle finger an exaggerated frown. He held it until his image left the frame of the window. For me it was exciting. I laughed to myself. Was no one seeing this with me?
As I giggled I wondered if he was going to be knocking on my door later that night or in future nights.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Greatest Battle in Logan, Utah.

....They had received orders that there was an intrude on the roof. In twos their curled bodies fell out of the hive and stretched out as they took flight. These Beevangelistic Mormon wasps had something to tell me. They spoke to me in a singular voice. Drawing out the EEeees, ZZZzzzs and SSSSes with strange hypnotic timings.
Seducing me with their Theologieeeezzzzz. "Multiple malezzz with one Queen is the new way" they hummed. I had enough! I put my ear buds in and cranked Megadeth's "Symphony of Destruction." Took aim with a can of hot Acid in each hand and drove each one to the ground all the while cursing them in the name of the Father! and throwing a "DIE BITCHEZ!" in now and again for good measure. It is my belief that future generation of wasps will speak of me with Great Fear. They better! Why else am I doing this Job.
I changed the music considering that the mood had changed. Chet Baker now singing his melancholic melodies. The sun was setting into a bright orange glow. I laid flat on my stomach with my ear to the vinyl so I could see the roof with its new texture of bodies that continue to melt away and decompose. I felt a twinge of sadness to see my new friends lay in puddles of nuclear poison. They were the only ones that got me. My soul had been revealed. They wanted to put me out of my misery. I guess I wanted life more than they did. I stood up. Admired the battle field and thought, "What a shame. My greatest piece and no one to view it with me."
I turned Chet off and went back to work. Back to do the job I was born to do.

Totally different.
Being on the road by myself for more than two weeks gives me a lot of time think. So I've been taking advantage of this. Lately I've been pondering Relationships. All kinds. Romantic. Friendship. Father to Son and visa versa. Business. But mainly Romantic and Friendship. Last week I received an email from by brother Tyler telling me to check out this Article in the Yakima Herald. I'm from Yakima. This is the news paper that people from Yakima read.

Here is the link. Do what ever you have to do to open it.

The third paragraph down drops my friend's name. We were best friends in Elementary (pronounced El-e-men-terry) and Middle School. I got up extra early on most mornings to help him with his paper route. We rode BMX and made Jumps. Once we were in a water fight with this really annoying kid who was kind of our friend. Kevin and I ran to the back behind the shed and topped our water receptacles off with Urine. About 2 minutes later Jeff was wearing a foamy layer of diluted Pee Pee. We had some good times. We parted ways during High School. Of course after reading this article I began to think what if we had remained friends and continued to influence each other. Where would we be.
The people in my life are very important to me. I may not say it very often but I need their friendship. I want their advice. I want to hear about their life and social observations. I want to hear their laughter. I want to hear what they are working on and how it helps them to grow. Successes and Failures. I want it all.
I'm saddened to see what direction Kevin has taken his life. I can only imagine what his parents are feeling.

Just for fun.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Good News

Well I'm back folks. Oh by the way it's Jared. Frank and Jerry went on vacation. They were griping about being over worked and under paid so while they are gone I'll be sitting in for the both of them. A lot has happened since Frank wrote last. Well a lot and not a lot at the same time. It's been a few months of the same stuff. My job has taken me all over Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Montana and sometimes Wyoming. Which is a lot. But I've seen the same cities and towns with all the same scenery (which is a lot of not lot). I've had a chance to see How great and How lame the US is. Such a contrast between the natural beauty of the land scape verses the shopping centers that have plagued the footings of the Mountain rangezzzzz. In Salt Lake (which I've heard was originally founded and named by the Germans...Shceissesee (pronounced Shy-za-zee). Translation...Shit Lake. The Mormons (pronounced More-mun-z) did not think this was very nice so they changed the name to Salt Lake. Side note...some of the locals think it's funny to say Salt Lick. Great senses of humor down in Utah.
So I have been employed to change all the heating and air filters for all the TJ Maxx, Marshalls and Radio Shacks (or The Shack is what they are calling it these days and if you have been to The Shack lately you will notice that there are signs saying what The Shack's likes and dislikes are. Seems like He/She/It is talking in the third person). I get up on Roofs and deposit new filters and throw away the old ones. Then move on to the next store. This takes between 14 and 20 days depending on the route. I spend most of the time on the road speeding, thinking, listening to music, books on Tape and waiting to urinate on top of a roof. Nothing like looking at the mountains while your bladder empties. While I'm on the roof I do my job as quickly as I can while punching and kicking all the wasps that have claimed these roofs as their home. Today I decided to talk and reason with them. Let them know that I mean no harm. They listened after I back handed one. I'm not kidding. I literally swung my hand and slapped him. Yesterday I kicked one. There is a feeling of joy that comes over me when I connect with these threatening beasts. After a wasp has been hit he rolls around on the ground like he just got hit or kicked in the balls. It's okay because he is soon to recover. But while he is down I apologize to him and tell him to leave me alone while I do my job or I will come back with acid that will deconstruct his little body. When he gives me that confused look I tell him that it's okay and that I'll clear things up. He will know what I mean once he sees his friends, family and home melt under this chemical compound.

The softer side of Jared...
My latest purchase is a Digital Voice Recorder. It's one of those gadgets that people use to record their voice. I've added that to my list of things I do in the truck while driving. If you drive up next to me you might see me Note to Selfing all up and down the Northwest and beyond. I've found this to be very helpful in understanding what is really going on in my head. If your like me you have a lot of unconnected thoughts bumping into each other and you might wonder what it all means. This has proven to bring me understanding of where I stand on a lot of issues in a quicker time frame. Its like I'm a scientist hard at work looking into cracking the depths of Jared's Subconscious. When I actually hear my thoughts put into words it changes everything. I've realized that when I talk to people I have a filter on. I turn the filter off when I'm talking to myself. Then hearing it back gives me insight how others hear me when I speak. I can be a bit confusing sometimes. My hope is to change this and become a better communicator. Have you ever said something that you were thinking and once it comes out you realize that it isn't what you wanted to say. And Maybe it's too late because the damage was done. I have. I want to change that. I don't want to be misunderstood and I also want to understand myself. So I'm the big dork speeding past you with his Note to self recording unit and taking notes on the out come.

I'm out!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Greetings everyone. I am Jared's balls. I don't have much to say at this point except I just over heard someone say, "That's the way the ball bounces." I need clarification on this matter because I'm not quite sure what style/race (yes there are different races) of ball this statement is referring to. Or what material they are made of and filled with. Let us go through the options.

Kick Ball: Made with rubber. Filled with air.
These balls are round much like a basketball or soccer ball. They bounce really well
and respond to kicking and dropping. Also very predictable. They will do what ever
you tell them to.

Football: Made with leather. Filled with air.
All though very accurate when you aim it the bounce is very unpredictable. It's an
odd shaped ball. Without warning they can do flips and change directions quite often.
They respond well to long distance throwing and punting but once they touch the
ground they will do what ever hell they want. Kind of fun to watch these balls in

Beach ball: Made with a thin plastic material. Filled with air.
These balls love Vacation. These balls are water resistant. Fun to play catch with a
friend in a pool or on the beach. These balls float slowly through the air when
thrown, kicked or dropped. They are bright and festiv. As fun as they sound they
get bored easily and aren't trying to get anywhere. Even the force of gravity can't
get these balls to participate in the "Bounce." If they could they would just sit there
and let you do all the work.

Baseball: Made with leather. Filled with boring material like cloth or cotton. Who really cares
These balls are boring to watch. Man hasn't really figured out how to make anything
exciting happen with these balls. They don't bounce very well so they end up getting
the shit hit out of them. For some reason when these balls go out of bounds other
people will fight for possession.

Side note:
This Ball and the way humans use it plays into a theory of mine. The majority of humans love what ever they can't have as long as it is mediocre and belongs to someone else. Once it is in their reach they hold onto it and get it signed and frame it and then say that it is worth the big Moneys. How it plays out is like this....Some random human says he/she's got this pretty cool ball (Baseball, Car, make-up, magazine or some other lame product) and it has to stay over here in this area (Baseball field, country club, Fair grounds, State/Country borders, different social sects people...Cool/Lame people...Dumb/Smart. You get the idea) and you can't touch it or participate unless you are invited or produce a "Ball" that they want. This creates supply and demand and you can make ton of money off of these humans. Doesn't really matter what it is. They want it! REAL BAD!

What gives me the authority and the voice to say these things? I myself am a Ball. Let me introduce myself name is Frank. I'm Jared's ball. I'm the introverted one on the far left and the only one that can speak. My brother Jerry is a mute. He's Extroverted and good with others but is kind of a space cadet. It's a good thing he isn't the one with access to the mouth. I'm usually his filter and voice. We love to socialize and hangout and get fresh air but we never like being bounced!

That's all I know.